Anonymous asked: Stop overthinking, it will ruin you. Carry on, and let what happens come, and adapt to it. Dont wait for something that might not. Dont be so serious, relax! :)
Easier said than done, my dear sweet anon
There is always a wrong to your right, and there will always be a war somewhere to fight
My mood lately has been pretty terrible.
I went off my medication for a month because I needed refills and it was close to impossible to get an appointment with my new doctor. I’ve been back on for three days now, the side effects have been brutal. Mostly because I am impatient and didn’t want to start on a low dosage and ease my way back up, so I just had her start me on 300mg.
Today’s mood is migraine from hell.
That has been the worst of the side effects but the excedrin is helping. Now and then I get a bit dizzy, but if I recall correctly after the first two weeks last time I was okay.
So what’s new? A whole lot of nothing. My friends have been pissing me off. One of my two jobs is going out of business. My boss who I am friends with at other job is driving me insane.
Last night my other boss asked me how I would feel about being a key holder. I don’t think it’s an increase in play but it’s more hours which equals more money. I just need to keep my numbers up, which is way easier said than done judging by how business has been.
I need a vacation. ASAP. I am beyond unhappy here and I just don’t know what to do about it.
I neglect this blog. I am sorry for that. If anyone still reads this. My head is just somewhere else, I don’t know how to deal with anything right now.
I seem to have dropped off the face of the earth….
To say I have been neglecting this would be an understatement. It wasn’t that I was busy or that I lost the desire to run this blog. The problem was I said there would be no more entries bitching about that boy, and I felt that I shouldn’t come back until I could keep that promise.
So here I am. I have my first crush in three years. I know basically nothing about the boy but there’s something about him that I really can’t explain. It’s like a school girl crush, he gives me butterflies and I can’t help but smile every time I see his face. Usually when I “like” someone I just want to sleep with them. Hit it and quit it. But when I actually have a crush on someone I don’t look at them and think “hey I wanna hook up with them” I just find myself wanting to be around them. That is what I am feeling right now.
The reason this little crush is such a big deal is because for the first time in three years I like someone other than that boy. For the first time in three years when I think about the boy I like I smile as oppose to crying my eyes out. I think I let him go for real this time, I feel like I am finally ready to move on. It truly is an amazing feeling.
Other than that nonsense, I found a job. It sucks. I work 9 hours a week if I’m lucky at minimum wage. I start my second job tomorrow, also crap hours and minimum wage but I just took it until I can find something better. I can’t afford to say no to money right now.
My moods have been up and down. I really do need to get back to a therapist. I kind of want to see if I can up my dosage I feel like it’s not working as well as it used to. I feel very distant from everyone and everything, like I’m never fully there. I zone out more often than I used to. I am homesick, I miss my dogs and cats. I have so many friends here and almost none there, but for some reason there I don’t feel alone. Here I’m surrounded by people and lonelier than ever. I’m not 100% sure of how to handle it.
Life’s too short to even care at all oh
I’m losing my mind, losing my mind losing control
These fishes in the sea they’re staring at me oh oh
A wet world longs for a beat of a drum oh
If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down
Life’s too short to even care at all oh
I’m coming up now, coming up now out of the blue
These zombies in the park they’re looking for my heart
oh oh oh oh
A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh
If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
And so I run now to the things they say could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down
Life’s too short to even care at all oh
I’m losing my mind losing my mind losing control
If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
And so I run now to the things they say could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down
One more spoon of cough syrup now
Cough Syrup - Young the Giant
You’ve got a lure I can’t deny, but you’ve had your chance so say goodbye
Today is the day I let go.
I need to distance myself from the way I feel about this boy. In the end it is not worth it, because even if it did work out it would put a lot of other relationships in jeopardy.
I do not care if he is prince freaking charming, no boy in the world is worth losing your best friend over.
So this is it. There will be no more talks of this boy in a love struck way. No more entries dedicated to him. It’s time to let him go, not just because I am putting the feelings of other before my own, but more importantly for the sake of my own sanity. There is so much waiting for me in the future, and someone much better. I know love isn’t easy and if it’s real it will happen, but fuck it should not be this hard either. He is a distraction and distractions are the last thing I need right now.
It’s just young love. It isn’t real.
Today’s mood is over it.
So here we go, it is time to start a brand new chapter in my life. I can’t keep falling back into something because I am too afraid of growing up and discovering new things. I need to take more chances or I will grow old and die in this town and look back wondering what could have happened if I had just pulled my head out of my ass and taken a risk. I’ve got to do everything possible to make my dreams come true, I can’t give up now.
That’s what you get when you let your heart win
In my opinion the one thing that is worse than my problems is not having anyone to talk to about them. I have people who say I can, and sometimes I get so close to saying something. But I can’t do it. I’ve tried talking to my friends before but they don’t understand what is going on. Honestly, I don’t expect them to since half of it I don’t understand myself. For the most part it comes out of nowhere, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t even explain it, it just makes me feel so utterly helpless.
Today I am losing my god damn mind.
I’ve been sleeping less lately because it seems like every time I get depressed like this I develop mild insomnia. I’ve been trying to make the best of it by reading/studying scripts from tv shows. I’ve been doing some writing as well and I completed my first scene. I am actually kind of proud of it but I made it way to personal so I don’t want to let anyone that I know read it, especially best friend. Because of coarse, it’s about that idiot boy.
I can’t help it, I can’t get the dumbass out of my head. I swear he is like herpes, just when I think he’s gone for good he comes back. We went on a weekend trip with our little group of friends and ended up sleeping on a pull out couch together. Nothing happened, he’d never initiate anything and I am never going to (not to mention best friend was sleeping in the room next to us). He fell asleep long before I did, and yes like a creep I watched him sleep. Once I realized that he was out cold I whispered that I loved him, in my defense I was pretty wasted, but in all reality I can’t say it to him when he’s conscious. I just wanted him to hold me but he will never be that drunk.
It’s good that nothing happened. It’s good that he’s not dumb enough (or the least bit interested in me) to ever try anything again. I’m just the idiot who thinks everything works out like it does in the movies where the sad pathetic girl waits forever then one morning the oblivious boy wakes up and realizes they’re meant to be together and stands outside her window and sings to her. But it doesn’t work that way, and in this situation it shouldn’t. I guess I just want what I can’t have, I know I need to let him go. It’s just so much easier said than done. He’s one of the things I can’t talk about not only because no one understands it, but because it’s been three years and everyone is sick of hearing it. But to be honest it’s fucking killing me.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore.
Yellow diamonds in the light
I am a very big Glee fan. I know it’s a lame cheesy show but I love musicals, and if I’m being honest I have a soft spot for cheesy things. There was a scene in tonight’s episode where the girls were singing and flashing back to the first time they saw the people who they are now in love with. And since I suck it caused me to have a flash back as well.
It was my freshman year of high school and I was going to the movies with two of my friends and my one friend’s boyfriend. We were seeing The Incredibles. I later found out that my friend also invited one of their friends. This geeky boy with thick rimmed glasses, a haircut that was one step above a bowl cut, a bit of acne and a doughy physique walks in. And I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him I was thinking……
Absolutely nothing of him. I do not think I even cared to exchange more than a hello and goodbye with the kid. If someone from the future had showed up and told me just what was going to happen five years later I would have laughed in their face. Never in a million years would I have believed just how hard I was going to fall for this boy. Or just how much he was going to break my heart.
I guess you really never know what the future holds. Someone who you don’t bother to give a second glance one day can turn into the love of your life the next. A person you never even imagined to become friends with can turn into the single most important being in your life. A boy who you think will love you forever can turn into a person who only talks to you in group gatherings to avoid awkwardness. Acquaintances can become friends. Friends can become lovers. Lovers can become strangers. There is nothing truer than the statement “anything can happen”.
Today’s mood is nostalgic.
This boy is on my brain way too much as you can clearly tell. But this is the only place I can be myself. I can’t talk about this with anyone in the world. Only when I can remain anonymous is the only time I can truly share how I am feeling. This little blog is the only place in the world where I do not have to cover up what’s going on. I am so very thankful for this. So if anyone is reading, I just want to say thank you. You probably know me better than anyone in the world, you know the real me. I hope I have been of some help to any of you. That if you’re ever feeling down or heart broken or like you’re losing your mind, that you can read this and know that you are not alone. We all hit rock bottom sometimes, but the thing is once you do there is nowhere to go but up. Nothing is ever the end of the world and the most important thing I have learned since I started this blog is that there is always someone who will listen. Even if it is just your online journal or a complete stranger on the other side of the world, it really helps to let it all out and not have to worry about holding back in fear of coming off vulnerable or being judged.
So to anyone out there, I hope you know that just by reading this you have made a difference. And for that I am eternally grateful.
I just don’t understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes and tell me everything is wonderful now
I have lost track of days, so I suppose I will have actual titles from now on. I am falling back into my old ways and at quite an alarming rate. I sleep. I sleep a lot. I came so close to cutting a few nights ago and it just was not pretty. I honest to god feel like I am losing it completely. Any hold I had on this depression has diminished and I really do not know what to do.
But I think I am putting up a pretty good front. On the inside I feel like I am constantly screaming and crying out for help where as on the outside I smile and say “I am okay”. Sometimes I wish someone I knew would find this and figure out it’s me and just know everything. But this was never meant to be a cry for help, and it never will be.
Today’s mood is depressed with scattered loneliness.
I have been seeing too much of that boy lately and it is killing me. We have these weird moments which are probably only weird for me. He’ll sit too close, we’ll reach for something at the same time and our hands will touch, I’ll catch him staring at me, just stupid little things that I over analyze. But I can’t let anyone know what it’s doing to me, because it took so long for me to say it was over and I was okay and that the two of us could be friends. Maybe we can, but I do not see it happening any time soon. We are friends for convenience. We see each other in group gatherings. We talk but not about anything that matters. But other than that we don’t talk. We don’t hang out alone. We don’t call or text each other. I never say “Hmmm I’m bored maybe I’ll call him”. But since here I can be completely honest, every time I hear my phone go off I secretly wish it was him. But it never is. And it is better that way. At least that’s what I tell myself.
